Yup, jealously. That thing we refer to so easily in a breathe of exacerbation that resides in the darkest places of our souls. That idea that lives in our petty private thoughts that we dare only reveal to anyone but those we know aren't going anywhere, only to breathe out that putrid green smoke from our bodies like some cathartic confession in hopes that will be rid of it. Jealousy: that horrible feeling that consumes one in a moment of insanity and complete lack of clarity reminding us how feeble and small we can be sometimes, reminding us that we are human, really...That we are not done working. And I had to address it anyway I could.
I've said it many times, I'm jealous of this, I'm jealous of that...but I wasn't really. Not truly jealous but simply desirous of something I didn't have. Believe me, there is a difference because before when I said that, I hadn't really truly felt it nor did I feel the anger towards the thing I wanted. Now I have and I had to purge it any way I could because it is that sickening.
Being jealous was never part of my character, my make up and I was proud of this. I realize this more so because in the last few years, I've begun to experience real jealousy now a few times and it kills me each time. Seeing and feeling this way causes a shock to my system because it is unfamiliar ground that I walk on. I just end up tripping the entire time. However, I fight hard not to let myself go to those truly ugly places and hang out, but catch it as it's making my way up my spine draining me of self-love and hope.
Now when I say jealousy, I mean the real deal: Bitter, resentful, sour, dark, sad, ugly and well, jealous. The word alone is enough to describe what the feeling connotes and should not be used casually I believe. It's too strong a word to throw around, kind of like love and hate. Moreover, jealousy is heartbreakingly honest and reveals a side of ourselves that is unable to speak freely in the light of day so it has to morph itself into some disfigured form to get attention.
Real jealousy is like an enteric coated pill that takes it's time to seep into your system as it erodes at your insides. THAT kind of jealous. True jealously.
Despite this strange occurrence going on in me I know better than to let it run me down or drive me into walls of stupidity and despair. So I talk with it, so to speak. I listen, as there is something more to it, something deeper that begs attention.
And I have no clue what to do about it other than to look at it with soft eyes.
Somewhere between loathing myself for having it, recognizing that it's just not something I want to live with and the bitter feeling in my stomach when it rears it's horrid head, I see something else: A vulnerability. A desire unfulfilled. Something resembling frailty that is living underneath all the armour, intellectual discourse and rhetoric is a body in need of something and an uncertainty of how to get it. So when I'm confronted by someone or something that picks at this wanting, it strikes a violent chord of resentment in me that finally on the surface, manifests into jealously.
So even though I want to gouge my mind out with a cocktail fork when it pangs, I can't help but look at it more graphically, broadly to try and understand it a little better so that it doesn't have such a hold on me and I can move on to greener pastures. (I couldn't resist ;)
Fortunately, this is something that is very new to me that has rarely happened and I have been truly grateful for this. It wasn't that I didn't want things or people, or suffer from the ravages of insecurity, I did, but I wasn't truly jealous. Not bitter at the object of desire and not angry or sad about it. Now that I have experienced real jealousy a couple of times, I understand it a little better and all it's complexities enmeshed in the psyche.
When it does happen, I am overwrought with confusion and humility knowing that I feel that way about something or someone because I am not there and am forced to ask myself pertinent questions, like, "why aren't you there, where you want to be, or who you want to be???!!".
Ugh....When I do, I feel so human. But I guess that's par for the course in being human, that you will feel the entire myriad of emotions that we are equipped to feel. If you don't, there are personality disorders you can get diagnosed with. Eventually if we live long enough, we feel everything.
As I age, perhaps it's the changing of form and function that evokes such a dark and sour feeling in me; Perhaps it's being smack dab in the middle of my own personal remodel, and knowing that I am in this 'remodel' mode, everything takes more patience and time. Neither of which I feel I have enough of as the acrid irony of aging sets in: wisdom meets inability. Either way, it is here and coming to life. But I am not content to sit quietly with it while it grows into a behemoth of disproportion.
Since it takes me to such sad hollow places where I see myself in a shadowy reflection, it demands I view it with honesty. So I am. Painfully, bravely I am looking at this scaly monster poking through my ribs trying to get my attention and I'm giving it to her, but not without an explanation and an exit plan!
All I can do is own it and see it and work my tail off to clean it out of my system so that I am no longer held captive by it. I wonder if others go through this when they experience jealousy or other sickening emotions. Or do they just feel them and live with it?
I am cognisant of this form growing in me and driving me to this ill feeling in my gut but also aware that I won't stand for it. It's not me. Moreover it's bad for my soul. But it reminds me of the dark empty spaces that still live in me that may need attending to which is obviously why this feeling of jealously, have cropped up at all.
Worst of all it's makes me sick with jealousy. And that's enough to want to try something else.
8/24/11©DanyaMosgofian
